


Being

by Gildedmuse



Category: Rent (2005), Rent - Larson
Genre: Character Study, Established Relationship, HIV/AIDS, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 14:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18701308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gildedmuse/pseuds/Gildedmuse
Summary: There is pleanty about them that Mark doesn't love.





	Being

**Author's Note:**

> [posted on LJ 2005]

**Being**

  
  
Mark’s favorite part about loving Roger isn’t the newfound connection. People seem to assume that the two boys have always shared this bond, but Mark knows better. They first met at a show, and Mark was just some kid in love with art and music, and Roger was the rock star musician had a million better things to do than be friends with some small town camera boy. He was just some fan who happened to live with Roger, but he wasn’t any more special than all the other groupies. Less so if they came with presents of heroin or sex.  
  
Then came the suicide, the diseases, the withdrawal. No longer did Mark have a hero to look up to, just a roommate to look after. Roger may never admit it, and Mark wouldn’t expect him to, but for years he was completely in the hands of this geeky kid from Scarsdale he’d spent so many years treating like complete shit. Then it was Mark who got to call the shots. Mark who had control of their “friendship”, and though Roger put up more of a fight then he ever did, they always knew who it was with the power.  
  
The connection they find after that night, it last past the bruises and cuts on Mark’s face. It stays with them more than the rough, angry sex that both boys would have realized they didn’t even want if they had stopped and thought about it before they were tumbling into bed. From something so painful, though, a connection is born for the first time.  
  
Making Love isn’t a word either boy would use, but it’s what happened.  
  
It isn’t the comfort. There are people who will stay through the worst marriages just so that they have someone to sleep next to at night. There are people who can put up with starvation and misery all their lives so long as they have each other. Mark isn’t one of those people. He would love to have someone like that, use to dream of waking up to Maureen every day, of emotions so strong you’re willing to suffer for them. But when it comes down to it, Mark is happy enough on his own. He might want, but he doesn’t need. Mark is capable of living by himself and doesn’t feel any worse off because of it.  
  
Besides, there is nothing comforting about dating a HIV positive, one time drug addict. Being in Roger’s arms doesn’t make Mark feel whole or safe. It doesn’t wash away the tightness of his stomach or the stress of his unfinished films. At the most, Roger is a distraction from those things. At worse, he’s a constant reminder that Mark has to be able to do better if he wants to keep feeding Roger, keep getting that AZT, keep him alive. Being with Roger is the stupidest thing Mark has ever done. Who wants to fall in love with someone you’re going to watch die? Who wants to wake up every morning thinking, “If I did better, if I worked harder, if I can make some money than he might live an extra month or two, if we’re lucky”? There is no comfort in this relationship for Mark. Everyday he feels himself sliding closer to the point where he can’t live without Roger.  
  
Suicidal isn’t a word Mark would use to describe himself, but that’s what it feels like.  
  
It isn’t the sex, although that’s a plus. God, it feels perfect when Mark is inside Roger. The way he tightens around him like a vice, the way he bucks and whimpers and whines. Mark doesn’t even mind that Roger is so protective of him. He’s offered to suck him off before, but Roger always says no. Mark tries to tell him it’s okay, that they’ll be safe and he loves Roger enough for the small risk, but secretly he’s thankful. He’s seen Angel and Collins and Mimi and Roger and April deal with this disease, and he knows he never could. Even the greatest sex with Roger is tainted with fear.  
  
It’s not the best sex Mark has ever had. Threat of death might be a turn on for some, but for Mark it is a reason to stick to heavy make outs and hardly anything more. He lets Roger set the pace after that first night. That first night was about Roger possessing Mark, it was about anger and roughness and all those things that should never be the bases for a relationship like it is for theirs. After that night, though, there was no more risk taking.  
  
Fear shouldn’t be part of love, but it’s the best they could hope for.  
  
No, the real thing that Mark enjoyed was moments like this. He’s working on his film, wondering which parts to cut. Roger is sprawled out on the couch, eyes closed and lips moving with silent lyrics. The loft has been completely quiet for an hour, but neither boy seems to mind. There is no Maureen over Mark’s shoulder, asking what he’s doing. There is no sullen Roger pacing around the room whining about Mimi.  
  
The part Mark loves about Roger is how easy they fit together. Between the two of them are a million fights and punches thrown. They can’t talk without getting upset, can’t kiss without being afraid. They’ve broken every rule of friendship there is left to break these days. They’ve screwed up their ability to live alone, disconnected and still content. Yet none of that stops them from simply being Mark and Roger. From hours in the loft, almost unaware of the others presences until at last Mark cuts together the first ten minutes of his film or Roger gets tired of searching for words that rhyme with “love” and one of them will move to the other, maybe asking what he’s doing, maybe just placing a kiss on his lips and falling on the couch together.  
  
True Happiness might not exist in this day and age, but Mark and Roger have managed to find something like it.


End file.
